


You Should Know

by V_V_lala



Category: Wednesday morning 3AM - Simon & Garfunkel (song)
Genre: Epistolary, F/FtM relationship, Multi, Trans Character, Transgender, trans-phobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 11:11:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_V_lala/pseuds/V_V_lala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton writes his sister a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Should Know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emei/gifts).



Dear Emma,

I’m sitting here, writing to you, instead of actually IMing, texting, calling…anything…because I don’t actually know if this is a letter you will ever get to see, if I really want to tell you all this, or if this is simply some quasi-diary entry so that I can put out on paper everything that is eating up at me right now. 

I’m sitting here with my back pressed against the headboard of a narrow, motel-room bed with Tammy asleep beside me. Remember I told you about Tammy? I think you saw her on Skype not so long ago. Anyway, she’s fast asleep; she always sleeps like a baby. I’m sure if the police came and broke down the door, she’d sleep right through it. She has the most incredible hair, you know. It’s fanned out around her head like some sort of dark halo but it’s like…it’s like her hair is weightless, you know? Like it’s floating. She has the most magnetic eyes but I can’t see them right now. 

I wish you knew her, she’s incredible. 

And she loves me, you know. She’s the first person to really love me, in that way I mean, since everything happened. Since I became…well me. Before that, I wasn’t really me. At least that’s what it feels like. Most people, they run away. They’ll get close and then they run away. The nicer ones say, “I’m sorry, you’re wonderful, but I’m not a lesbian.” For so long, I was so scared of what Tammy would say, that she would be just like the rest. I didn’t think I could pull through such a rejection. But of course, you know this ends happily. I’ve been blissfully happy for the past nine months and I’m grateful for that. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from me. 

The rest you don’t know, however, because I never told you. We’ve been so out of touch lately and I know it’s not your fault. I know you’ve been busy with the baby and the move and your new job from home. You’ll have to tell me all about that later at some point. 

But now I need to get this out, I need to tell you where my life is at. It’s not good, Emma, it’s not good at all. 

We’d been saving for a phalloplasty. (It’s where they construct a penis for you out of your own skin.) I didn’t want it at first, but when Tammy and I got together, she suggested it. She said she didn’t mind either way, but sex is awkward and I can get her off and she’s sweet about it, but really, she’s right. I would probably feel more comfortable naked. She loves doing things naked and I still feel strange. (At least I was always flat-chested, The mastectomy is basically invisible. Ok, I’m just weirding you out now right? I’m sorry, I promised I wouldn’t throw the terms and TMI details around…). Anyway, we were saving for the surgery. It’s fucking expensive you know? But we were both excited about it and basically she was helping me save and everything. We thought, after Tammy’s promotion, another year or so and we might have enough. 

Then her brother came to town. He’s the only relative she has left and she’s his baby sister so he’d always doted on her. She introduced him to me and at first everything was ok. Then he found out that I wasn’t “a real man” as he put it. That I was born female. He tried to beat me up, in fact he did a bit. I was never a great fighter. I can pack an ok punch but this guy was like a head and a half taller than me and broad… It would have been worse if Tammy hadn’t interfered. He’d never touched her, though, never would. He was mad though, accused her of being gay. Basically, the guy turned out to be a psychotic asshole. 

Tammy refused to leave me. So he left us alone for a few days and we thought he’d get over it. But then stuff started happening. I could feel that I was being followed – stalked. Someone outed me at work – that went well (/sarcasm). And then there were threats and calls and crazy shit I can’t even find the nerve to talk about. We tried to go to the police; they blew us off. 

See, her brother’s a cop. One of those cops who’s got an underground network. Yea, he’s not clean, but she can’t stand to out him on anything. She doesn’t really know enough anyways. So we ran. We’ve been moving a lot, but this guy or his friends, are always finding us. We thought it would go away but it hasn’t. I know she’s spoken to him on the phone, pleaded for him to stop. He promised to never hurt her and to leave me alone if only we break up. 

We’ve spent all the money in our savings – the money that was supposed to go to the surgery – and Tammy’s on unpaid leave at her job – she may have already lost it, but we can’t bear to talk about that. We have no money and we needed to get by. I’ve been going crazy, Emma. I know running is stupid but we tried the police and we tried them again later. They’re suspicious to start with and when they get to the bottom of things, to the reasons, they just shut us out. And I see the pain in her eyes when we talk about getting the police involved. Her brother is the only person she has, she adores him. I know how that is. I can’t imagine ever turning you into the police, no matter what you did. It’s just nauseating. 

It gets worse. Today I snapped. Just completely snapped and robbed this liquor store on the road. We needed the money. I know it’s not an excuse but it’s true and it’s the only thing I can say. Now the police will be gunning for me and I don’t want Tammy to get hurt because of it. She’s already on the brink of sacrificing so much – her peaceful suburban life, her job, her brother for fuck’s sake. 

I can’t do that to her. I know she doesn’t have the heart to leave me, but she cries so much and I can’t breath ever time she does. I know it’s because of me. I’m leaving in the morning and I’m running on my own. I don’t know where I will go and I don’t know if the police will catch up to me but I plan to disappear. I’m going without saying goodbye because Tammy won’t just let me go and if I have to look into her eyes, I’m afraid I will never leave. But it’s for the best. She will find someone new and she has given me hope that someday I might find someone too. That I can find someone. But I can’t ruin her life like this. 

Am I being irrational, Emma? Maybe. But we’ve been running for weeks now and no matter where we go, he always finds us. And no matter what we do, we’re not getting help. But even if we could, I don’t want to make her chose between her brother and me. It’s not fair and I can see that she can’t bear it. I’m leaving in the morning, before the day fully breaks. She’ll still be completely, soundly asleep when I slip out the door. I’m glad for it. Truly. But it still hurts and writing to you seems like the only way to dull that pain at least a little. 

I expected that changing my body would be hard. I mean, you remember how dad reacted? And mom. I remember how you reacted too, but you came back and I love you endlessly for that. But sometimes I think that I never expected it to get this crazy, to find something and then have it taken away. But leaving is the only humanly decent thing I can do right now. I think. I’ve turned myself into a fugitive and a criminal now. I won’t do the same to Tammy and I won’t destroy her life. 

Yea. I really just needed to get all that out. I love you, sis. (Even if you never see this letter, I still want you to know that.)

Ashton


End file.
